in Community…

My wife and I have what some might say a unique approach to going to church these days – we don’t. I suppose for the average Joe to read that he wouldn’t think much of it. “They’re just like everyone else in the world.” But, for those who were close to us growing up and especially in college, it is quite a change for us.

The full story (or explanation) as to why this is now the case is quite a long one (one that I am happy to have with anyone given we both have the time), but the long-and-short of it is that we now feel the community of God is best expressed organically or naturally in every day life.  Whether community happens intentionally (i.e. a planned time with friends – dinner & drinks, coffee, NBA basketball, etc.) or by happenstance (i.e. meeting a stranger on the train or plane and having a conversation about life, god, etc.; seeing a friend at an opportune moment and getting to catch up), either way, opportunities for Christian fellowship are always available.  So, for my wife and myself, we are trying to learn when to recognize these opportunities and capitalize on them.  Most Sundays, however, you won’t find us in a pew.

Currently, we find consistent community with a few groups of people.  The first is a group of 8 (4 couples) that get together every other Sunday evening.  One spouse from each couple is in med school; two of the other spouses are physician assistants (one in training still); one bio-chemistry pHd candidate; and then me.  We get together to talk about life, life with Christ, and life with Christ in the medical profession.  Because the med school schedule is pretty demanding, all 8 of us really were desiring a bit more intimate connection with Christians in the profession.  So far, the meetings have been quite profitable and encouraging.

The second is a group of about 4-5 couples that get together once a month and have dinner together.  It has been a real blessing to get to know those we didn’t before our dinner gatherings started.  Interestingly enough, right around Easter this Spring, we all opened up a bit and realized that many of us are all in the same boat regarding a few things spiritually, theologically, and ecclesiastically.  It is fun to see how Father shaped the group in such a way for us all to be together at the very time we needed comfort and encouragement in areas in which only those who have experienced them could understand.  Praise Him.

For a year and a half now, Beccah and I have desired community like this.  I write tonight to encourage those who are familiar with the situation and let them know that we are not alone.

Two questions…

The GRE is over. I took the test this past Saturday. I did not do as well as I had hoped. The question now looming about is, “Do I take it again?” It is a hard one to answer because I still feel that I have no direction currently.

Do you remember in Pirates of the Caribbean (maybe the 2nd movie) when Jack’s compass (a compass that was supposed to direct you to that which you wanted most) was always moving? It would never set him a course to sail. That is how I feel. I have many desire and aspirations, but I do not know which one to follow. It doesn’t seem possible to follow all of them, because they seemingly lead in different directions.

So, do I take it again? It depends. If I want to enter grad school, as opposed to a seminary, to study religion or theology or history, then yes, I will take the GRE again. If I want to enter a seminary to study these things, then, no, I do not have to take it again (most seminaries do not require GRE test scores). If I want to go to business school, then I have to take an entirely different test – the GMAT. It is all quite complicated.

The past few weeks I have been plagued with a question a friend of mine posed some time ago. When I asked him of his opinions regarding my wanting to go to grad school and such, he answered with a question. More or less he asked me this:

“Do you feel that your life purpose is to build up and strengthen the church or to be an evangelist and a prophet to the lost?”

My answer: “I don’t know.”

The question is a good question, but at the present, it is quite annoying.

You see, I have gone on a roller coaster of a ride the past year and a half (almost two) regarding my thoughts on ministry, on religious community, on faith and life, on who God is, what evangelism is, etc. At times, I have wanted to stay as far away from institutional christianity as possible. At other times, I have felt that being on the outer rim wouldn’t be so bad. I know now that I could never be that person in front of a congregation sermonizing or leading people in music (I have done this before), but I don’t know if I want to completely remove myself from “christian ministry.”

Lately I have thought a seminary degree (typically reserved for those folks engaged in sermonizing and such) would be a great degree to have. It might open up doors that might not have opened before. It would prepare me for a type of ministry that might be palatable for me – something like urban ministry in an inner-city or cross-cultural church planting. It would still allow me the opportunity to teach in a college or university (which would be the point of the MA/PhD route in grad school). More or less, I no longer loathe this option. It has actually become kind of comforting to know that I could go this route.

Ultimately, as I have pondered my friend’s question, I have learned that I do want to see the church strengthened and I do want to see it grow – not in her religious structure, but in her relationship to the godhead. However, I have no idea what that means.

I guess that is why they call life a journey.

Career thoughts…

Some who read this regularly already know about this subject and, indeed, what I have been thinking about doing. As I mentioned a few posts ago, I am not, too, satisfied with my current position at the bank. I don’t feel that challenged and I really don’t enjoy it. And, I do, in fact, think Jesus wants us to enjoy life – even if he doesn’t expressly say it.

I have been weighing a couple options – one for a particularly long time.

The first, an internal transfer within the bank to a different department where I believe I would feel more challenged and better utilized. However, it is a commitment I would be making to the bank (and really to myself) that this is where I will be for a little while (probably a few years). Such a move wouldn’t be worth the time and effort to readjust and resettle if I were to only be there a few months to a year.  Similarly, I could stay in the branch and go through training to become licensed which would mean opening investment accounts and a potential future move into the investment portion of the company.  This would also be a commitment to the company if I were to go that option.

The second, leaving the bank and returning to graduate school full-time. I like this option best. For a while now, those who are close to me have known that for one reason or another, I feel that I would enjoy teaching at a university. When I think of all my potential career options, teaching is always at the top of the list (in front of owning a coffee shop and reading lounge overseas somewhere – only a recent desire). So why not go this route? One, I have to find a program that I like and that will be respected among academic professionals. Two, it is expensive. Three, relatedly to number two, I am married and currently the only one bringing home any bacon or bread – so to speak. Finally, I’m a bit timid in taking the step that direction. It seems so deterministic. If I wind up getting degrees in theology or philosophy, that seems to limit my career choices considerably. What if I decide I hate teaching later on? This is scary to me. In the business world, there is always another door to enter. In academia, there doesn’t seem to be that option. But, I could be very limited in scope.

Who knows?

Seeking something…

This morning I met with a friend of mine for coffee. We discussed a few things, but particularly we were there to discuss me and whats going on with me. I am too worn out emotionally to discuss the details, but basically it involved what he calls life purpose or mission.

I think it is something we have all thought about. What do I want to be when I grow up? What do I want to do? Why am I not liking where I am? Etc.

For me, I like several things but cannot narrow them down to a “career path.” Still, when I think about each thing specifically, I wonder if I would be happy (like I think I would be) in it. What I’m doing now certainly isn’t producing happiness or even much personal fulfillment. When I think about other job possibilities I think I would like them. But, I then begin to wonder whether or not once I am in them, if I would still enjoy them as a career. Is it meant to stay a desire or a hobby? I don’t know.

I don’t think that made much sense, but more or less it boils down to this:

I don’t like what I do; I am not sure what I would enjoy doing; I don’t really know what my life purpose is. I can back up and look at it from a broader perspective, and know very generally what it involves, but I am not sure if I am ready to embrace it. And, if I am ready to embrace it, I don’t know how.

I am kind of bummed out about it.

Seeking Life instead of Religion…

A big reason I started this blog was to write my thoughts on what I believe true Christian life really is. I haven’t done much of that frankly because each time I try to write it out, I blank. And, in recent months I haven’t had the frequency of dialogue that I once had regarding the subject matter. But, here I go.

I left undergrad at Texas A&M University thinking that I was going to be a professional minister in a church somewhere – in the states, on the other side of the world; it didn’t matter. I was going to be a great pastor because I was a serious Christian. I had many preconceived notions about what my career would look like; many fantasies about being the next great evangelist or revivalist. But then something happened: the blinders began to come off. I started to realize that much of what I was striving to do was not founded in any kind of leading from God, but rather from the leading of men (myself included) that stirred up some kind of religious pride in me that wanted to see me succeed and people recognize me for it. What does this have to do with anything?

Well, it caused me to take a step off of the path that I was on and look at it from a panoramic view. The blinders miraculously had been taken off and I began to notice things about religious Christianity that before I had never noticed.

Have you ever noticed that on the surface level of Christianity, its structure is no different that any other religion? It’s true. Think about it. Every religion has the same structure: sacred meeting places (whether they be buildings, walls, cities or other geographical sites), incantations to god (prayers – whether recited verbatim or made up on the spot; mutterings, wailings, etc.), worship of a deity, sacred texts, sacred stories that teach about salvation and righteousness, heaven and hell (or something similar to these), and typically some sort of holy man or guru of some sort. In this light Christianity is no different than Islam or Buddhism or Judaism. On the surface, what is different about our religion?

And obviously, as I contemplated this question, I came to the person of Jesus. He is certainly the difference. However, as I thought about the person of Jesus, that got me thinking even more about religion. Jesus was a Jew – an orthodox Jew at that. He wasn’t a Christian. He did nothing that was distinctly Christian in ritual – only that which was Jewish. I found that to be an interesting problem. All my life I have been taught Christianity – in thought and in ethic – as the way of life probably because of the underlying premise that we follow Jesus as our Lord and to do so is to be Christian. However, the disciples followed Jesus as Lord, but to do so for them was to be Jewish – at least in a ritualistic sense. So the problem became for me this: Jesus was a Jew, not a Christian; so why must I be Christian to be “saved?” Good question I think in light of the context.

To be Jewish was the right way, then it changed and now to be Christian is the right way. This became unacceptable for me. The dilemma could not be reconciled. Even with all of the clichéd answers that I have been given and taught to give; I could not reconcile this problem. (Even now, a barrage of those clichés comes to mind, and I am sure if I had a bigger readership, many would be placed in comments right about the time a reader got here.)

So what is the common denominator of my contemplations? Religion. Religion has always existed. It is intrinsic to man’s nature. Religion is nothing more than a mold or molds that man has created. Molds we have to force ourselves into to make sure we are correct or living rightly or orthodox. Molds created by man’s opinion. Man has always been religious, and until the consummation of the age, will continue to be religious. It is his way of becoming like god – becoming right or righteous. It is man’s end, his goal. And molds are the way he realizes it. The problem becomes this, however; we are not made to fit into molds. Molds are binding and crippling. They pen up. They restrict and hinder.

We are made to be free. Loose from all bonds and restraints. Free to run ahead on paths that are barrier free. This is the way of God. This was what was intended. Adam and Eve were created in such a way and you and I are still created that way today. The problem has become that we have taken into our own hands what it means to be like God. That product is a mold (a law, a ritual, a should or should-not).

Jesus said that he came to bring life and that abundantly.  For me, religion has never produced a life giving energy, but rather a life taking energy.  It hurts and it even kills. 

In recent months, my wife and I are doing our best to sort out what this life is.  Many thoughts are being shaped and many preconceptions are being trashed.  God is being very gracious and very kind in giving us this opportunity to sort this all out with him by our side.  It has fostered a new love between him and us, and it is life giving.  So we continue to seek it – knowing that we have not found it completely (maybe never will), but we treasure the journey.